The Question Men Ask in Silence

By Derek Colvin, LPC-S, CGT - The Giant Therapist

Reflections on commitment, curiosity, and the fear of choosing one life over another

The Question That Rarely Gets Spoken

There’s a question a lot of men carry quietly, usually somewhere between late nights, half-jokes with friends, and moments of self-doubt they don’t know what to do with. It’s not a question most men feel proud to ask, and it’s certainly not one they tend to bring into honest conversation.

The question is simple, but loaded: Do I need to get it out of my system before I commit?

On the surface, it sounds like a question about sex. But the longer you sit with it, the more you realize it’s rarely about sex alone. It’s about identity. It’s about freedom. It’s about fear. It’s about whether choosing one life means permanently losing access to another version of yourself you might never get back. Most men don’t ask this question because they’re dissatisfied with their partner. They ask it because commitment forces something most men were never taught how to tolerate: finality. The realization that choosing deeply also means closing doors, and that some doors, once closed, stay closed.

Most men don’t ask this question because they want more sex. They ask it because commitment forces them to confront what they’re afraid of losing.

Where the Narrative Starts

For many men, this question didn’t originate in adulthood. It started much earlier, shaped by locker-room conversations, peer stories, music, movies, and a cultural script that quietly equates masculinity with conquest. Somewhere along the way, boys are taught - explicitly or implicitly - that experience equals credibility, and that sexual history becomes proof of worth. What often goes unnamed is how early permission, pressure, or silence around sex can redirect a young man’s trajectory long before he understands the cost. Being told to “be safe” can sound like wisdom, but for some, it functions as an invitation their nervous system wasn’t even asking for yet. Add peer validation to the mix, and suddenly restraint feels like weakness, focus feels like missing out, and discipline starts to look like deprivation.

By the time men reach adulthood, the idea that commitment equals loss has already been rehearsed for years. No one ever sits them down and asks what they’re actually chasing, or what they’re hoping sexual experience will finally give them.

The Shame on Both Sides of the Story

One of the quieter realities men don’t talk about enough is that shame shows up no matter which path you take. Men who have had many partners often carry shame they don’t know how to articulate - regret, confusion, or the uncomfortable realization that numbers didn’t deliver what they were promised. At the same time, men who’ve only been with one partner can carry a different kind of shame, especially when surrounded by narratives that frame restraint as naïveté or settling.

What gets lost in this comparison game is that neither path guarantees peace. Experience doesn’t equal confidence, and restraint doesn’t automatically equal security. The real difference comes from whether a man has examined his story or simply lived inside it unconsciously. Shame thrives in silence. And when men don’t have language for their internal conflict, it tends to leak out sideways - through resentment, comparison, or quiet self-doubt that erodes intimacy from the inside.

Shame doesn’t care which path you took. It only grows when your story stays unexamined.

Curiosity Isn’t the Same as Discontent

One of the most damaging myths men internalize is that curiosity automatically means dissatisfaction. Many men believe that if they’re truly happy, they shouldn’t wonder about alternatives at all. That belief creates unnecessary panic and self-judgment when curiosity naturally arises, as it does in every long-term commitment.

Curiosity is a human experience, not a moral failure. Finding someone else attractive, wondering about roads not taken, or imagining different versions of life does not mean something is wrong with your relationship. What matters is what you do with that curiosity.

When curiosity is suppressed, it often becomes more intrusive. When it’s acted out impulsively, it usually disappoints. But when it’s explored thoughtfully, through reflection, conversation, or therapy, it often reveals something deeper than sexual desire. It reveals grief, fear, unmet needs, or unresolved attachment wounds asking for attention.

What Men Think Exploration Will Give Them

When men imagine “getting it out of their system,” they’re often chasing a promise they’ve never fully named. Some believe it will eliminate curiosity forever. Others hope it will confirm that they chose wisely. Still others are trying to quiet the fear that they’ll wake up one day resenting the life they chose because they never explored alternatives. But desire is a powerful salesperson. It exaggerates benefits and minimizes cost. Acting on it often delivers far less than advertised, because fantasy is built on incomplete information. What looks like freedom from a distance frequently turns out to be another form of captivity, just one with different rules.

Experience alone doesn’t bring clarity. Integration does. And integration requires reflection, not accumulation.

Desire promises certainty, but rarely delivers it. Reflection does.

Commitment as Choice, Not Prison

One of the most important reframes men can make is understanding that commitment doesn’t eliminate freedom. It redirects it. Choosing one path deeply is not the same as being trapped. It’s deciding where your energy goes, what you build, and who you become over time. What often feels like loss early in commitment can later reveal itself as stability, depth, and meaning. Many men don’t realize until much later that the life they feared would limit them is the same life that made everything else possible - careers sustained, children raised, growth supported, resilience built. Commitment doesn’t erase curiosity, but it does invite men to grieve the lives they didn’t choose without destroying the one they did. That grief isn’t a sign something is wrong; it’s a sign the choice mattered.

Grieving Without Blowing Up Your Life

Unacknowledged grief has a way of turning into resentment. Men who never allow themselves to mourn the paths they didn’t take often carry quiet bitterness toward the life they’re living, even when that life is objectively good. The goal isn’t to live in the past, but to let yourself acknowledge it honestly. Grief doesn’t mean regret. It means recognizing that every meaningful choice involves loss, and that pretending otherwise only creates emotional debt that eventually comes due. When grief is processed, it creates space - not just to accept reality, but to appreciate it more fully. Men don’t need to escape their lives to honor what might have been. They need safe spaces to talk about it, reflect on it, and integrate it into the story they’re already living.

For the Man Quietly Wrestling With This

If you’re carrying this question right now, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. The real work isn’t deciding whether to explore more; it’s getting honest about what you think exploration will actually give you. Ask yourself what the return is. Ask yourself what you’re afraid of losing. Ask yourself whether this question is about desire or about fear of dependency, finality, or being fully known.

Bring the question into the light. Talk to men who are grounded, not performative. Talk to your partner, if the relationship allows for that kind of honesty. And if you don’t know where to take it, therapy is often the safest place to unpack it without pressure to act. Curiosity doesn’t have to become destruction. And pretending the question doesn’t exist is often more dangerous than facing it honestly.

Connect & Continue the Conversation

For more real, raw, unfiltered conversations about marriage, manhood, and the questions men don’t usually say out loud, follow @themajopodcast on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Spotify, and all podcast platforms. On Facebook, you can find me at @thetherapygiant. On TikTok and IG, you can find me at @thegiant_therapist.

And if this question has been sitting heavy in your chest, quietly shaping your thoughts, your intimacy, or your sense of self, therapy can help you explore it without shame and without blowing up your life. You don’t have to resolve everything today. You just have to stop carrying it alone.