You’re Not Lazy. You Were Just Never Understood

By Derek Colvin, LPC-S, CGT - The Giant Therapist

Real. Raw. Unfiltered reflections on ADHD, shame, and what changes when the story finally shifts.

The Label That Follows You Into Adulthood

Most people who grow up with ADHD don’t remember the first time they were called lazy, unmotivated, or a problem. They remember the feeling of it. Sitting in a chair that felt impossible to stay in. Watching other kids somehow manage what seemed effortless. Being corrected, redirected, or punished for things you didn’t fully understand you were doing wrong. Those moments don’t stay in childhood. They follow you into adulthood, into relationships, into work, into leadership roles. They show up quietly when you forget something important, when you struggle to finish a task, when your brain jumps ahead or sideways instead of staying where everyone else seems to live. And even when life is objectively going well, there’s often a low-grade anxiety underneath it all. The sense that you’re one mistake away from being exposed as broken.

That’s the cost of a label that never came with understanding.

Most people with ADHD don’t grow up believing they’re broken, they grow up learning to apologize for existing.

What ADHD Actually Does. And What It Doesn’t

One of the most damaging myths about ADHD is that it’s a failure of effort. That if you just tried harder, slowed down, paid more attention, or followed the system, everything would fall into place. But ADHD isn’t a motivation problem. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a difference in how the brain regulates attention, emotion, memory, and inhibition. That difference means some things light your brain up immediately, while other things barely register no matter how important they are. It means you can hyper-focus for hours on something that matters to you, yet struggle mightily with tasks that feel dull, overwhelming, or emotionally loaded. It means your mind doesn’t stop moving, not because it’s chaotic, but because it’s scanning, connecting, imagining, creating. The tragedy isn’t the wiring itself. The tragedy is growing up in systems that didn’t know what to do with it and taught you that the problem was you.

How Shame Becomes the Real Diagnosis

Over time, something subtle happens. You stop seeing ADHD as a difference and start experiencing it as a moral failure. You brace for criticism before it comes. You replay conversations in your head, worried you talked too much or said the wrong thing. You assume responsibility for things you didn’t intend and feel guilty even when no one is accusing you. In relationships, that shame shows up as constant apologizing. In work, it shows up as anxiety about being “found out.” In parenting, it shows up as fear of passing something broken on to your kids. Even in therapy, it can surface as the quiet question: Am I doing this wrong too? Shame doesn’t motivate change. It narrows your world. It makes your nervous system more reactive, your working memory less reliable, and your self-trust almost nonexistent. And once shame takes hold, it becomes very easy to confuse self-protection with self-sabotage.

ADHD didn’t create the shame. Years of being misunderstood did.”

Relationships, Misinterpretation, and the Weight of Intent

One of the hardest places this plays out is in close relationships. Forgotten tasks get interpreted as lack of care. Distraction gets mistaken for indifference. A wandering mind becomes evidence of selfishness or avoidance. And when intention is constantly assumed instead of explored, resentment grows on both sides. What often gets missed is that many people with ADHD care deeply, sometimes too deeply. They notice patterns others miss. They feel emotional shifts quickly and intensely. They track multiple streams of information at once. But without language or understanding, those strengths turn into liabilities.

Healing doesn’t come from forcing the ADHD partner to be different. It comes from shifting the story. From curiosity instead of accusation. From asking, What’s happening in your brain right now? rather than Why won’t you just do it? Acceptance becomes the context where real change is even possible.

When You Finally Stop Asking, “What’s Wrong With Me?”

There’s a moment, sometimes in adulthood, sometimes painfully late, when the question shifts. You stop asking what’s wrong with you and start asking what your brain has been trying to do for you all along. You begin to see the creativity, adaptability, and intensity not as flaws to suppress but as parts to understand. That shift doesn’t magically erase the challenges. You still need systems. You still need support. You may still need medication or accommodations. But the emotional tone changes. Self-compassion replaces self-contempt. Curiosity replaces fear. You begin making friends with your brain instead of fighting it every day. And when that happens, hope shows up. Not as blind optimism, but as something grounded and real.

The moment someone feels understood is often the moment hope finally breaks in.

For the Kids Who Are Still Sitting in the Chair

If there’s one place this matters most, it’s with kids. Especially the ones who are already being corrected more than they’re being understood. Kids don’t need to be told they’re broken or fixed into compliance. They need environments that allow them to discover how they learn, how they create, how they regulate, and where they thrive. When children are allowed to explore their interests, engage their bodies, and follow curiosity, they don’t just perform better - they develop a sense of self that isn’t rooted in shame. They learn that being different isn’t dangerous. It’s information.

And that lesson lasts a lifetime.

If This Hit Close to Home

If you’ve spent years believing you were lazy, failing, or fundamentally flawed, maybe this is an invitation to look again. Understanding how your brain works doesn’t excuse responsibility - it gives you clarity. It allows you to build a life that works with you instead of against you. And if you’re ready to explore this more deeply, for yourself, your relationship, or your family, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. Therapy isn’t about fixing what’s broken. It’s about making sense of what’s always been there.

You can schedule a consultation here:https://www.thegianttherapist.com/booking-calendar/initial-phone-consultation

For more real, raw, unfiltered conversations about marriage, identity, mental health, and the emotional lives of men and women, follow @themajopodcast on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Spotify, and all major podcast platforms. On Facebook, you can find me at @thetherapygiant and on TikTok and IG @thegiant_therapist

You were never broken.

You were just never fully understood.