The Price Tag on a Man

By Derek Colvin, LPC-S, CGT - The Giant Therapist

Real. Raw. Unfiltered Reflections on money, masculinity, and the fear of not being enough

When a Number Becomes a Measure of Worth

A video has been circulating lately claiming that a man shouldn’t even think about dating unless he has one to three million dollars sitting in a savings account. Not invested. Not growing. Just parked there as proof that he’s “ready.” On the surface, it’s easy to dismiss something like that as social media theatrics. But the reason it spreads isn’t because it’s rational. It spreads because it touches something already tender inside a lot of men.

It presses on the question many of us don’t say out loud: If I don’t have enough money, am I enough at all?

The conversation isn’t really about millions. It’s about measurement. It’s about whether a man’s value has quietly become fused with his earning power. And if we’re honest, that equation didn’t start with TikTok or Instagram reels. It started much earlier, often in subtle ways, in homes where approval followed achievement and silence followed failure. When money becomes the measuring stick, everything starts to feel like a test.

The pressure isn’t really about money. It’s about the fear that without it, you don’t matter.

Where the Equation Got Written

Most men I sit with didn’t grow up being explicitly told, “Your value equals your income.” It was more nuanced than that. Praise often came when grades were high, when performance was strong, when production was visible. The unspoken lesson wasn’t malicious, but it was powerful: achievement brings affirmation. Results bring connection.

If you performed well, you were celebrated. If you stumbled, you were corrected. Over time, the nervous system learns to equate producing with safety. It’s not just about success; it’s about belonging. It’s about staying in good standing. That wiring doesn’t disappear when we grow up. It just changes uniforms. The report card becomes the paycheck. The applause becomes the promotion. And somewhere deep inside, the younger version of us is still asking the same question: Am I doing enough to deserve being here?

For some men, ambition grows from vision and purpose. For others, it grows from anxiety. On the outside, both look the same. Both work long hours. Both set big goals. Both talk about leveling up. But internally, one is fueled by inspiration and the other by fear.

When ambition is driven by fear, it rarely feels like freedom. It feels like survival.

The Grind and the Ghost of Not Enough

There’s nothing wrong with wanting financial stability. There’s nothing wrong with building wealth, investing wisely, or working hard. But there’s a difference between building a life and trying to outrun a feeling. I’ve had seasons in my own life where I couldn’t tell the difference. I told myself I was grinding for my family, and part of that was true. But underneath it, there was also a quieter voice that whispered that if I ever slowed down or fell behind, I would somehow become less valuable.

That voice didn’t come from my wife. It didn’t come from my kids. It came from older internal narratives that had been sitting there for years, mostly unchallenged.

If your internal sense of worth rises and falls with your income, every financial fluctuation becomes a personal indictment. A slow season doesn’t just feel stressful; it feels like exposure. A missed opportunity doesn’t just sting; it feels like proof. And that’s when the grind shifts from being productive to being compulsive. Safety is a powerful motivator. But when we confuse money with identity, the stakes get impossibly high.

If your value rises and falls with your income, you’re not chasing success - you’re chasing safety.

Security Isn’t the Same as Luxury

Part of the cultural confusion right now is the collapse between security and extravagance. When people talk about wanting stability, it’s easy to assume they mean wealth on a massive scale. But for most couples I work with, security has very little to do with private jets or luxury brands. It has much more to do with emotional steadiness, predictability, and integrity. Security is knowing your partner won’t implode when things get hard. It’s knowing they can handle stress without turning hostile or disappearing. It’s knowing they can have a difficult conversation without weaponizing it. Those qualities aren’t bought. They’re built.

Money can reduce certain stressors. It can open doors and create opportunities. But it cannot create emotional maturity. It cannot substitute for character. A man can have three million dollars in the bank and still not know how to sit with his own insecurity. He can provide financially and still be unavailable relationally.

When financial metrics become the sole indicator of readiness, we overlook the deeper work that actually sustains intimacy.

The Fear of Going Backward

To be fair, many men aren’t obsessed with money because they’re shallow. They’re driven because they remember what it felt like to not have enough. They remember watching bills stack up. They remember the tension in the house when finances were tight. They remember feeling powerless. That memory can create a vow: I will never go back there.

There’s nothing inherently unhealthy about that vow. Wanting to provide better for your family than you experienced is honorable. Wanting to avoid unnecessary financial stress is wise. The problem arises when avoiding poverty turns into avoiding vulnerability. When financial growth becomes the only acceptable trajectory, and anything less feels like failure.

If a dip in income feels like a collapse in identity, that’s not just about money. That’s about a fragile sense of self that was never allowed to exist apart from performance. And when we blur that line, we carry more than we were meant to.

Money matters, but money is not manhood.

What Actually Makes a Man Ready

So what makes a man ready to date? It’s not a specific number in a savings account. It’s not a certain level of lifestyle. Readiness looks more like self-awareness than salary. It looks like the capacity to take responsibility for your own emotional patterns. It looks like the ability to admit when you’re wrong without collapsing into shame. It looks like intention.

Are you dating because you need someone to validate you? Or because you genuinely want partnership? Are you building wealth because you love creating and stewarding resources well? Or because you’re terrified of being perceived as inadequate?

Those questions aren’t meant to shame. They’re meant to clarify. A man who is honest about his fears, aware of his wounds, and willing to grow is far more prepared for intimacy than a man who has accumulated wealth but never examined himself. The truth is, you don’t learn how to be in relationship by isolating yourself until you’re financially flawless. You learn by engaging. By fumbling. By repairing. By staying present when discomfort shows up. Financial wisdom is part of adulthood. But emotional maturity is what sustains love.

The Man Beneath the Metrics

If this conversation hits somewhere personal, it’s worth slowing down long enough to ask why. Not defensively. Not reactively. Just honestly.

What did money mean in your house growing up? Did security feel stable? Did approval feel conditional? Did achievement earn you closeness?

Those early experiences don’t vanish. They shape how we define success decades later.

You can be ambitious without being anxious. You can build wealth without building your identity around it. You can pursue growth without believing that you’re one financial setback away from being unworthy. At some point, every man has to decide whether he is going to keep letting external metrics define him, or whether he’s going to build an internal sense of value that isn’t so easily shaken. Because if you believe you are only as good as your bank balance, you will never feel safe - no matter how much you accumulate.

And that’s too heavy a burden for any man to carry.

Connect & Continue the Conversation

For more real, raw, unfiltered conversations about marriage, manhood, and the questions men don’t usually say out loud, follow @themajopodcast on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Spotify, and all podcast platforms.

On Facebook, you can find me at @thetherapygiant. On Instagram and TikTok @thegiant_therapist

If this reflection stirred something in you, don’t just scroll past it. Sit with it. Share it. Or ask yourself quietly what number you’ve been chasing - and what it’s been trying to protect.

Because sometimes the work isn’t making more.

Sometimes the work is believing you already matter.