The Love We Say We Want but Don’t Know How to Receive

By Derek Colvin, LPC-S, CGT – The Giant Therapist

Real. Raw. Unfiltered Reflections on the complicated relationship men have with love.

The Sentence Men Struggle to Say Out Loud

There’s a moment in almost every man’s life, sometimes early, sometimes not until midlife, when he realizes he doesn’t actually know how to feel loved. He knows how to chase it. He knows how to work for it. He knows how to joke about it, perform for it, or convince himself he doesn’t need it. But to genuinely feel loved, in a way that lands in the body instead of sitting in the mind like an idea, is something many men weren’t taught how to experience. And because we don’t have great language for that ache, we default to the only version we can say without feeling exposed: “I just don’t feel heard,” or “I don’t feel seen,” or “It feels like what I’m doing doesn’t matter.” All of those statements circle the same deeper truth: I don’t feel loved, but it’s easier to stay one layer removed than to name the thing directly.

“Most men weren’t taught how to feel loved. They were taught how to work, how to endure, and how to minimize what hurts.”

When you grow up believing love has to be earned or proved or tolerated quietly, reaching for it as an adult feels risky. And receiving it, really receiving it, can feel even riskier.

The Early Lessons That Shape What We Believe Love Is

Most of what men believe about love didn’t come from romantic relationships. It came from childhood rooms where emotions were handled with discomfort, confusion, or absence. Maybe you grew up in a house where affection wasn’t offered unless someone was hurt. Maybe you rarely heard “I love you,” so you convinced yourself it was implied. Maybe the people raising you were tired, distracted, overwhelmed, or hardened by their own stories, and there was no emotional space left to teach you what consistent, patient love actually feels like.

So you learned to adapt. You learned to translate silence into “they care.” You learned not to ask for more than what was given. You learned to settle for proximity instead of intimacy. And because the child version of you had no choice but to make sense of whatever environment you were in, you shaped beliefs about love that felt protective at the time but become confusing once you try to build an adult relationship.

What makes this even more complicated is that many men don’t realize these early lessons are still running the show. They just notice that they pull away when someone gets too close, or they tense up when a partner offers tenderness, or they wait for something bad to happen when someone treats them with too much care. If love was inconsistent growing up, consistency will feel suspicious as an adult.

Sex: The Shortcut That Confuses Connection with Being Chosen

For many men, the first time they ever felt wanted in a way that made sense was through sex. It created a sensation of closeness that bypassed the emotional vocabulary they never learned. It gave them a momentary certainty, someone wants me, that was easier to understand than the subtle, everyday forms of love that don’t come with a clear yes or no. And because the body responds so intensely to physical closeness, it’s easy for sex to become the stand-in for emotional connection.

The problem is that when sex becomes the only doorway to feeling loved, everything else loses its value. A partner’s encouragement doesn’t carry much weight. Acts of service get overlooked. Emotional support gets misread or brushed past. If sex is the only proof that you matter, then any disruption in sexual rhythm, i.e. illness, exhaustion, postpartum, stress, or weight changes, quickly shifts from a situational dip to a personal rejection. And once a man feels rejected, he’ll often retreat into anger, withdrawal, or self-blame, even if none of those responses match what’s actually happening in the relationship.

“If the only way you know how to feel loved is through sex, you’ll mistake every interruption of sex as a disappearance of love.”

This is why so many men stay trapped in the belief that desire equals love, even when their relationship is asking for something more honest and sustainable.

Why Men Default to “I’m Good” Even When They’re Not

Ask a man what’s really going on with him and he’ll usually shrug, offer a quick smile, and say he’s fine. Sometimes that’s true. More often, it’s the language of someone who learned early on that sharing too much leads to discomfort or disappointment. If you grew up in a home where your feelings were dismissed, ignored, or mocked, then revealing anything vulnerable now feels like exposing a bruise someone else might poke.

So men get skilled at hiding. They bury the deeper emotions under humor, competence, and independence. They become the helpers, the fixers, the reliable ones. And even when someone genuinely tries to get close, like asking questions, showing concern, or offering tenderness, there’s a part of them that tightens up. They want connection, but they fear the shame of needing it. They crave being understood, but they brace for criticism. They long for emotional softness, but they worry that softness will be used against them later.

None of this is because men are allergic to intimacy. It’s because intimacy requires trust, and trust requires a history of being handled gently. When that history isn’t there, every attempt at closeness feels like a risk.

Receiving Love Can Feel More Threatening Than Not Having It

One of the more surprising patterns I see in therapy is how uncomfortable men become when someone actually loves them well. A partner might offer kindness, patience, or emotional presence, and instead of relaxing into it, something inside the man stiffens. He may joke his way around it or look for the hidden motive or assume it’s temporary. Even though he craves this kind of love, he doesn’t quite know how to hold it without waiting for the moment it disappears.

It happens because receiving love awakens two truths at the same time: the part that longs for it and the part that remembers all the times love didn’t show up. When someone loves you consistently, it exposes how inconsistent love may have been for you growing up. It brings old grief to the surface, not because you want to dwell there, but because your body remembers what it felt like to need warmth and get something colder instead.

So you might keep one foot out the door emotionally, even when your partner is fully in. You might assume they’ll change their mind once they “really” know you. You might apologize for being too much or not enough. And you might mistake love for pressure instead of the place where pressure is allowed to finally settle.

“For some men, being loved exposes the pain of all the years they weren’t.”

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s a relational injury that deserves care, not judgment.

Redefining Love in a Way That Actually Reaches You

If the old definition of love was tied to sex, performance, or being needed, then learning how to receive love now will require a new internal map. Love isn’t just desire. It isn’t just appreciation. It isn’t the adrenaline of someone chasing you or the relief of not disappointing them. Real love has a steadiness to it, a patience, a gentleness, a consistency that doesn’t demand perfection in return.

It often shows up in small ways that are easy to overlook: when your partner pays attention to the details of your day, when they offer help before you ask, when they try to understand the things you don’t have words for yet. Part of the work is slowing down enough internally to notice those moments rather than brushing past them because they don’t match the old blueprint.

Receiving love means letting yourself linger long enough in someone’s care to feel what it stirs up in you: gratitude, discomfort, longing, fear, sadness, tenderness, and resisting the urge to judge any of it. It means letting emotions be information instead of evidence that something is wrong with you. It means allowing your partner’s warmth to meet the younger parts of you that lived without it.

If You’re a Man Who Struggles to Feel Loved

If this resonates, nothing is wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re not emotionally incapable. You’re not failing at manhood or marriage. You’re simply living the story you were given until you learn how to write a new one. Healing isn’t about blaming your parents or excusing them. It’s about understanding the blueprint you inherited so you can decide what parts of it you want to keep. You deserve relationships where love doesn’t feel like a test you have to pass. You deserve to feel safe enough to let someone see you. And you deserve a version of love that doesn’t disappear the moment sex does, or stress hits, or life gets complicated.

If this stirred something in you, share it with someone who might need it. Start a conversation that goes deeper than the usual jokes and deflections. You might be surprised by how many men are carrying the same questions but don’t have anyone in their life who invites honesty.

Connect With the Work We’re Doing

If this reflection moved you, check out the episode that inspired it, “Why Do Men Struggle to Feel Loved?” on The MAJO Podcast. The conversations are honest, messy, and real, and they pull back the curtain on what men rarely admit out loud. Follow @themajopodcast on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Spotify, and all podcast platforms. On Facebook, you can follow me directly at @thetherapygiant. For more reflections between episodes, find me on Instagram and TikTok at @thegiant_therapist.

When You’re Ready to Do This Work For Real

If something in this hit deeper than you expected, if it brought up memories, questions, or emotions you’ve been avoiding, you don’t have to keep navigating that alone. I work with men, women, and couples who are ready to understand themselves more fully, heal old patterns, and create relationships that feel honest and connected instead of distant or performative. If you want to explore what that work could look like, you can book a consult call with me here:https://www.thegianttherapist.com/booking-calendar/initial-phone-consultation?referral=service_list_widget

You’re not weak for wanting to feel loved. You’re human,

and you’re finally ready to let that matter.