Can You Love Your Person and Still Miss Being Alone?

By Derek Colvin, LPC-S, CGT - The Giant Therapist

Real. Raw. Unfiltered Reflections on Connection and Space.

There’s this quiet ache that creeps in sometimes — the one that shows up even when you love your life, your marriage, your people. You look around at everything you helped build — the noise, the laughter, the schedules, the mess — and part of you still misses the stillness that used to exist before all of this. You love your person. But you also miss what it felt like to just be you. It’s a strange kind of grief that no one really talks about. We tell each other to be grateful, to stay present, to count our blessings. But no one teaches us how to hold both truths at once — the love and the longing. That’s what this one’s about.

The Human Underneath the Marriage

Every couple reaches a moment where one person just needs air. Not because they’ve stopped loving, but because their nervous system is tapped out. It’s not about the relationship falling apart — it’s about the human underneath it running out of bandwidth.

When you have kids, or jobs that never stop, or a brain that never turns off, the noise builds until silence feels like survival. And when your partner doesn’t understand that yet, the space you ask for can sound like rejection instead of recovery. That’s when resentment sneaks in — quietly, under the surface, disguised as irritation.

Needing time alone isn’t selfish. It’s maintenance for the heart.

The Craving to Remember Yourself

Everyone’s version of “alone” looks different. A dad hiding in the bathroom just to scroll in peace. A husband volunteering for every store run. A wife who loves her family and still feels her chest unclench the moment she sits alone in her car. The stories are different, but the need underneath them is the same — the craving to remember who you are outside of being needed. For a lot of us, that realization didn’t come until we were already burned out. We thought partnership meant constant togetherness. Until we realized that too much us can make you lose me. And when you lose me, the relationship starts to suffocate under the weight of unspoken needs.

The Fix Isn’t Distance — It’s Honesty

The answer isn’t pulling away. It’s being honest sooner. If you can name what’s happening before you shut down, your partner can meet you with understanding instead of fear. Saying, “I love you, and I just need a few minutes to quiet my head,” is very different from disappearing behind a slammed door. And when you’re the one hearing it, the best response isn’t “What did I do?” It’s “I’ll be here when you get back.” The space isn’t rejection. It’s trust. It’s saying, I believe we’re strong enough for this pause.

The healthiest couples don’t cling — they breathe.

The Emotional Bank Account

What helps is what I call the emotional bank account. When couples make consistent small deposits — checking in, laughing, showing affection, turning toward each other — there’s more cushion when one of you needs a withdrawal. But when the balance is low, even a small request for space can feel like abandonment. That’s when loneliness starts sounding louder than love. Keep the account full. A quick text. A shoulder squeeze. A simple “thanks for today.”They don’t seem like much, but they build the kind of safety that makes space possible.

Learning to Be Alone Together

In our marriage, it took years to figure that out. For a long time, asking for space felt like an argument waiting to happen. Now, my wife knows when my brain starts buzzing and my words slow down, I’m not checked out — I’m at capacity. She gives me room, and I do the same for her. We’ve learned how to be alone together. Sometimes that means sitting in the same room, each of us lost in our own thing, legs touching just enough to remind us we’re good. Sometimes it means one of us needs to go be quiet for a while. Either way, we’ve learned that connection doesn’t always need conversation.

Love doesn’t disappear in the quiet — sometimes, it’s where it comes back to life.

Teaching Each Other How to Ask for Space

The couples I work with often ask, “How do I ask for space without hurting them?”

And I always tell them — you don’t wait until it hurts. You start naming it early. You practice soft honesty. You talk about it before it becomes a wall. And if your partner doesn’t know how to receive it yet, you teach them gently. Remind them you’re not leaving — you’re recharging so you can come back better. Because you can’t love anyone well when your soul hasn’t caught its breath.

Holding Both Truths

You can love your person and still miss being alone. You can want the marriage and the quiet. You can be grateful for everything you’ve built and still crave a moment that belongs only to you. That doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human. Give each other room to breathe. That’s where love grows back stronger.

If this hit home—Share it with your person.

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