What If You Feel Misunderstood by Your Therapist?

You leave a session thinking, “That is not what I meant.” Perhaps a question felt like criticism, advice came before you felt heard, or an explanation did not fit your experience. You may wonder whether to say something, stay quiet, or stop going. Feeling misunderstood in therapy is worth taking seriously, without deciding in advance what caused it or what it means for the whole relationship.

What felt misunderstood?

Try to identify the part that stayed with you. You do not need a perfect account of the session. Start with what you remember, what you thought the therapist understood, and what you wanted them to know instead.

For example:

• “I wanted to talk about feeling alone, and we moved quickly to what I should do.”

• “When you used that word, I felt reduced to a label.”

• “I agreed with your explanation in the room, and afterward realized it did not fit.”

• “I was not sure how to disagree with you.”

• “The question may have meant one thing to you, and it landed differently for me.”

  
  

These are possible descriptions, not conclusions about what the therapist intended. A specific moment can give you both something to discuss more clearly.

How can you bring it into the conversation?

You can begin with the difficulty itself: “There is something from last session I want to come back to, and I am worried about saying it.” If speaking in the moment feels difficult, you could make a note to bring with you. Ask the practice about its communication policies before sending sensitive details between sessions.

Other ways to begin might be:

• “Can we go back to what you said about that argument?”

• “I think an important part of what I was trying to explain got lost.”

• “When the conversation moved to advice, I did not feel ready to leave the feeling.”

• “I want to understand your perspective, and I also want to explain where it does not fit for me.”

• “It is hard for me to tell you this because I am worried you will be disappointed or defensive.”

  
  

You do not need to make the concern smaller to protect the therapist, and you do not need to prove they had bad intentions for the impact to matter. There can be room for both what happened and how you experienced it.

Why does this matter in relational therapy?

In psychodynamic and intersubjective work, the relationship with the therapist is part of what can be explored. That includes how you experience being listened to, questioned, or misunderstood. The conversation does not need to be treated as a distraction from the “real” work.

A therapist’s interpretation is not a final verdict on your experience. You can ask how they reached it and explain where it does not fit. Your history may be relevant, and so is what actually happened between you in this session.

Questions worth discussing include:

• What did each of us understand was happening?

• What felt difficult about raising the concern here?

• What would help clarify the meaning of that moment?

  
  

Discussing a misunderstanding does not guarantee repair or mean the therapist is the right fit. It can provide information about the work and whether there is room for your experience within it.

What should you consider about the response?

You and the therapist may understand the moment differently. Pay attention to whether there is room to explore that difference. Questions to consider include:

1. Was I able to finish explaining what I meant?

2. Was there curiosity about my experience, even where we understood things differently?

3. Could the therapist explain their thinking without making my concern irrelevant?

4. Was there room to discuss a change in pace, focus, or approach?

5. After the conversation, what still needs attention?

   
   

Disagreement alone does not decide whether therapy is useful. Repeatedly feeling dismissed or unable to question the work is also worth taking seriously. You can ask about fit, consider another professional’s perspective, or decide whether to continue.

What if you want to consider a different therapist?

You can discuss ending or changing care without needing to prove that one person is entirely at fault. If you want help planning next steps, ask about referrals, continuity, and what arrangements are appropriate for your situation.

You do not need to stay in treatment to demonstrate that you are willing to do difficult work. If you are concerned about professional conduct, you can seek information from the relevant licensing board. Addressing a concern directly is an option, not a requirement to ignore safety or serious misconduct.

My individual therapy in Oklahoma City draws on psychodynamic and intersubjective perspectives. A free consultation offers room to ask how I approach questions about trust, misunderstanding, and fit. Explore individual therapy in Oklahoma City

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